[Jane says this with a tiny smile, but she can see how this is... hurting him? Has she ever seen him like this? There's always been a brashness about him that is completely missing now.
She always seems to be getting herself into problems that are far too big for her to solve, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to try.]
Don't you think... you've earned the right to think of yourself as more than that? To want to give yourself more than that? [Jane asks him softly, lowering and tilting her head to try and catch his gaze.] I think you're worth more than that, Izō. Maybe that's stupid of me, but I do. You're worth more.
[ izō shakes his head, using the hand he still has free to try and hunker down behind the protective shield of his hair and his scarf like he always does. which only manages to accomplish so much. ]
Fuck. Fuck. Jus' don't fuckin' look..!
[ what he doesn't want her to see is his weakness because he's shown entirely too much of that already, in his opinion. it's not even that he's sad — although that's obviously a part of it — more that it's just too much all at once. her kindness on top of everything else just manages to be more than he can handle when he already feels terribly vulnerable and ashamed. ]
Can't do anythin' right... exactly what I got comin' t'me.
[The pit drops out of her stomach. Is he-- is he crying? She hadn't meant to upset him... But then maybe upset isn't the right word.]
Izō... [Jane says gently, and she lets go of his hand. She lets go of his hand and she dares to shift forwards enough to slip her hands over his shoulders, to brush her fingers into his hair, and she dares to pull the great manslayer Okada Izō's forehead down to her shoulder as she loops one arm around his back and hugs him warmly.]
Hey... everything's going to be all right. [She rubs her hand against his back.] It's going to be okay.
[ this is so much easier when he's a dog. but even if he might want to hide in that form, it takes a little too much concentration to get his magic to work like that right now. so he just has to sit here and accept it because now that the floodgates are open the only thing for it is to let it all out. it's hard to know exactly how long he was holding it all in this time. he's just too sober to be comfortable but then his pride has taken a beating lately, so it amounts to this.
he doesn't fight her because it's pointless. if she's seen this much, is accepting it going to make it worse? maybe. but it's already a bad look. at least it feels... nice. ]
Ain't what I was tryna—... real pathetic lookin', I know.
[ of course, he has to have an explanation for himself. ]
[She lets him get it out because it feels like he needs it, samurai pride and shame be damned. Jane had known from the moment she saw him that whatever had happened was weighing heavily on him but she had not anticipated just how much until now.
Her fingers touch against his hair again, brush over it, then she rests her hand against the back of his head.]
I promise, I don't. I think... you're going through a lot right now, hm?
[Maybe more than he's told her. Getting into a bit of trouble isn't something she would have expected would bother him this much.
She definitely thought he'd resist being comforted.]
Ya seen the sky, ain'tcha? Now everybody can see it all the time, what's comin'. Kids out there'n shit. Ryouma got cursed. People died. I dunno how t' fix it... other'n gettin' the guy who done it.
[ he hasn't been to look at the calamity for a reason. and now he can't not look at it. he lacks the capacity to truly deal with that sort of existential terror at this point.
he's calmer now, but the stress of it makes him shake. or maybe he needs a smoke. or both. ]
Jus' gonna stay outta everybody's way. If somebody wants t' take a shot at me, ain't gonna stop it. Ain't gonna jus' roll over'n die. But I ain't protestin'.
[Ah yes... she has seen the Calamity marking the sky. It's hard to miss it, but she's been trying not to think too hard about what it means. Though with Izo feeling a little calmer she shifts back from him and rests her hands against his forearms instead.]
Now you stop talking like that this instant.
[People 'taking a shot' at him? And he's speaking about it like he wouldn't care if it happened? She looks at him sternly and squeezes her fingers around his wrists.] Stop it, you hear me?
[She won't hear it!]
Now, revenge is certainly a-- a-a viable and tempting option here. [Look, she'd like to punch whoever is behind this in the face as well.] But unfortunately I doubt that it will fix anything, regardless of how satisfying it might be. But you. You will not put yourself up as a target for everyone to blame.
[ at first izō looks like he's going to resist, but jane reiterating it the second time seems to make him feel properly scolded, so he just pouts miserably instead. ]
Sorta late for that. Didn't show m' face, but I ain't exactly hidin'...
[ he finally looks up again, but that's after he lifts his arm and scrubs his face against his sleeve at some attempt at not looking like such a mess. yeah, that'll work for now. ]
What am I s'posed t' do then? People don't jus' get t' walk over shit like this...
Of course it's too late for that. Of course it is.]
First of all... I think you need to speak to the person you're trying to keep out of it, and find out if they actually want you to take the blame for them like this. [And she will really have words for anyone who is trying to take advantage of Izo's nature like that, Servant or not.]
And then... [She puffs out another sigh and reaches up one hand to fuss at his hair, moving it into some kind of acceptable order after he scrubbed his face like that.] You need to think long and hard about whether or not whoever is really to blame for this is worth your protection.
[Jane would really like to punch them, but she thinks a few other people might get in there with their blades first.]
[ izō droops a little at that first suggestion because he already knows how that conversation is going to go. that's why he hasn't said anything; people can't tell him not to do things if he doesn't mention it. ]
Protectin'? Nah. Jus' wanna find 'im before he knows he's got the whole kingdom on his ass. Ain't gonna be expectin' me.
[ he imagines that he has an edge in being a renowned assassin and all. izō should have anticipated the next question would come, but even if he had it wouldn't make it any easier. ]
Got that one curse what jus' makes whoever has it real angry for no good reason. Couldn't turn it off.
[ jane has talked to ryouma before. izō assumes enough to know what kind of person ryouma is like. he doesn't think he has to elaborate much on why that particular curse was a problem. ]
Perhaps the whole bloody kingdom being on his arse is what he deserves to have happen.
[She mutters this, not really meaning to say it directly to Izo himself.
Huff!
Jane does know Ryouma, it's true, but she isn't sure she can imagine what he might be like under the influence of such a curse. He has always seemed to be so calm and cheerful to her, but... maybe that's part of the problem. And surely he knows Izo well enough to be able to say some very cruel things.]
Mm... [She chafes his forearm lightly.] ... Is that what you're really upset about?
[ having caught that, he might've laughed at any other time. but maybe that tells on him. ]
What're ya sayin'? Upset about all'a it...
[ he's dragging his feet on this again because now they're discussing ryouma and he's not entirely sure how to do that yet. not since—... certain things were said. the last time he'd talked to anyone he'd been ruining kate's liver to avoid the mental anguish. ]
Kept pushin' 'im. I dunno. Think I fucked that up too.
[Jane falls silent, lightly chewing her lower lip. Far be it from her to be giving that kind of advice to anyone when she's only really fumbling through that sort of thing herself... but since when has she ever left well enough alone?]
I know... how much Ryouma cares about you. He really does. [How the man's face lights up when he talks about him, or even just how he talks about him? It's obvious.]
So you should talk to him, too. Because he's going to leave you be until you go to him, right?
[ he's leaned over so much now he might as well be doubled over. this is the worst, arguably, and he just got done crying in front of her. he just would like the ground to open up and eat him. ]
But then we're gonna have t'... y' know...
[ this looks physically painful. ]
I dunno nothin' 'bout relationship type shit. Not sayin' that's what's happenin' jus' sayin' I don't know nothin'. S'all... messy an' shit, I dunno.
[ now he sits up, and folds his arms, sniffling loudly because his face is all red still and he's thoroughly embarrassed about all of this. ]
[Jane pushes one cup towards him and picks up her own, finally. It's still hot enough to drink so she has a mouthful of it as if it might brace her against this entire conversation. At least it's easy enough to pretend she can't see what kind of state he's got himself worked up into, if only for the sake of his bruised pride.]
I'm hardly one to come to for relationship advice. [Given that she's in her first real relationship right now, and she's really just feeling her way through it all.] But I know that when two people who care about each other are hurt, somebody has to make the first move.
[Her smile then, though gentle, is just a little bit wry.]
And I think that on this occasion it might just have to be you.
[ izō makes a face and reaches over to pick up the teacup, peering down into it and sniffing it like he doesn't drink whatever they put in front of him at any number of crappy bars around town. but it's nothing to do with who prepared it and everything to do with the fact that it's just tea, but he drinks it so apparently, it's found to be adequate. ]
Why not? 'Cause ain'tcha datin' a god? An'—... well, I ain't that smart, so I ain't real good at... words.
[ and he's not blaming ryouma for the things he said, but it's difficult not to think of him saying them anyway. ]
He's still a person. And... I've never been with anyone else, so it's very new.
[Ehem. She does flush a little red as she says that and hides slightly behind her cup, taking another sip of the contents.]
No one is asking you to write a sonnet. [Imagining Izō reciting poetry... now there's an interesting mental image. She smiles to herself and looks down as she shakes her head.]
You just need to say what's in your heart. Why don't you tell me first. Think of it as practice. Think about Ryouma... and tell me what you're feeling.
Yeah, but... I dunno. It's like ya said the one time, y' like talkin'. Ain't even sure I got the words. Shit's all complicated. Probably doin' it all wrong anyway...
[ he has a lot of reasons to be unsure of what he's feeling. until very recently, people have questioned everything he's ever thought or felt or said. he doesn't have much confidence that anything in his own head is really valid, which is why he talks himself out of things constantly. ]
How'm I s'posed t' know how to do this? Ain't even good at bein' friends.
Oh, I don't know about that. I think you manage friendship quite well.
[Not that Jane is a difficult person to be friends with, but even she has her limits. If Izō had struck her as someone not worth her attention or effort she would not have continued to try and be his friend.]
Come on, Izō, won't you at least try?
[She reaches out for one of his knees and rubs it gently, giving him a reassuring smile.]
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cantgetanyworse) wrote2021-03-04 04:14 pm
no subject
[Jane says this with a tiny smile, but she can see how this is... hurting him? Has she ever seen him like this? There's always been a brashness about him that is completely missing now.
She always seems to be getting herself into problems that are far too big for her to solve, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to try.]
Don't you think... you've earned the right to think of yourself as more than that? To want to give yourself more than that? [Jane asks him softly, lowering and tilting her head to try and catch his gaze.] I think you're worth more than that, Izō. Maybe that's stupid of me, but I do. You're worth more.
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Fuck. Fuck. Jus' don't fuckin' look..!
[ what he doesn't want her to see is his weakness because he's shown entirely too much of that already, in his opinion. it's not even that he's sad — although that's obviously a part of it — more that it's just too much all at once. her kindness on top of everything else just manages to be more than he can handle when he already feels terribly vulnerable and ashamed. ]
Can't do anythin' right... exactly what I got comin' t'me.
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Izō... [Jane says gently, and she lets go of his hand. She lets go of his hand and she dares to shift forwards enough to slip her hands over his shoulders, to brush her fingers into his hair, and she dares to pull the great manslayer Okada Izō's forehead down to her shoulder as she loops one arm around his back and hugs him warmly.]
Hey... everything's going to be all right. [She rubs her hand against his back.] It's going to be okay.
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he doesn't fight her because it's pointless. if she's seen this much, is accepting it going to make it worse? maybe. but it's already a bad look. at least it feels... nice. ]
Ain't what I was tryna—... real pathetic lookin', I know.
[ of course, he has to have an explanation for himself. ]
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[She lets him get it out because it feels like he needs it, samurai pride and shame be damned. Jane had known from the moment she saw him that whatever had happened was weighing heavily on him but she had not anticipated just how much until now.
Her fingers touch against his hair again, brush over it, then she rests her hand against the back of his head.]
I promise, I don't. I think... you're going through a lot right now, hm?
[Maybe more than he's told her. Getting into a bit of trouble isn't something she would have expected would bother him this much.
She definitely thought he'd resist being comforted.]
It's all right.
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[ he hasn't been to look at the calamity for a reason. and now he can't not look at it. he lacks the capacity to truly deal with that sort of existential terror at this point.
he's calmer now, but the stress of it makes him shake. or maybe he needs a smoke. or both. ]
Jus' gonna stay outta everybody's way. If somebody wants t' take a shot at me, ain't gonna stop it. Ain't gonna jus' roll over'n die. But I ain't protestin'.
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Now you stop talking like that this instant.
[People 'taking a shot' at him? And he's speaking about it like he wouldn't care if it happened? She looks at him sternly and squeezes her fingers around his wrists.] Stop it, you hear me?
[She won't hear it!]
Now, revenge is certainly a-- a-a viable and tempting option here. [Look, she'd like to punch whoever is behind this in the face as well.] But unfortunately I doubt that it will fix anything, regardless of how satisfying it might be. But you. You will not put yourself up as a target for everyone to blame.
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Sorta late for that. Didn't show m' face, but I ain't exactly hidin'...
[ he finally looks up again, but that's after he lifts his arm and scrubs his face against his sleeve at some attempt at not looking like such a mess. yeah, that'll work for now. ]
What am I s'posed t' do then? People don't jus' get t' walk over shit like this...
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Of course it's too late for that. Of course it is.]
First of all... I think you need to speak to the person you're trying to keep out of it, and find out if they actually want you to take the blame for them like this. [And she will really have words for anyone who is trying to take advantage of Izo's nature like that, Servant or not.]
And then... [She puffs out another sigh and reaches up one hand to fuss at his hair, moving it into some kind of acceptable order after he scrubbed his face like that.] You need to think long and hard about whether or not whoever is really to blame for this is worth your protection.
[Jane would really like to punch them, but she thinks a few other people might get in there with their blades first.]
... Is Ryouma all right?
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Protectin'? Nah. Jus' wanna find 'im before he knows he's got the whole kingdom on his ass. Ain't gonna be expectin' me.
[ he imagines that he has an edge in being a renowned assassin and all. izō should have anticipated the next question would come, but even if he had it wouldn't make it any easier. ]
Got that one curse what jus' makes whoever has it real angry for no good reason. Couldn't turn it off.
[ jane has talked to ryouma before. izō assumes enough to know what kind of person ryouma is like. he doesn't think he has to elaborate much on why that particular curse was a problem. ]
Ain't like it was his fault.
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[She mutters this, not really meaning to say it directly to Izo himself.
Huff!
Jane does know Ryouma, it's true, but she isn't sure she can imagine what he might be like under the influence of such a curse. He has always seemed to be so calm and cheerful to her, but... maybe that's part of the problem. And surely he knows Izo well enough to be able to say some very cruel things.]
Mm... [She chafes his forearm lightly.] ... Is that what you're really upset about?
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What're ya sayin'? Upset about all'a it...
[ he's dragging his feet on this again because now they're discussing ryouma and he's not entirely sure how to do that yet. not since—... certain things were said. the last time he'd talked to anyone he'd been ruining kate's liver to avoid the mental anguish. ]
Kept pushin' 'im. I dunno. Think I fucked that up too.
[ everything feels more complicated now. ]
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I know... how much Ryouma cares about you. He really does. [How the man's face lights up when he talks about him, or even just how he talks about him? It's obvious.]
So you should talk to him, too. Because he's going to leave you be until you go to him, right?
[That does... seem to be their dynamic.]
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[ he's leaned over so much now he might as well be doubled over. this is the worst, arguably, and he just got done crying in front of her. he just would like the ground to open up and eat him. ]
But then we're gonna have t'... y' know...
[ this looks physically painful. ]
I dunno nothin' 'bout relationship type shit. Not sayin' that's what's happenin' jus' sayin' I don't know nothin'. S'all... messy an' shit, I dunno.
[ now he sits up, and folds his arms, sniffling loudly because his face is all red still and he's thoroughly embarrassed about all of this. ]
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[Jane pushes one cup towards him and picks up her own, finally. It's still hot enough to drink so she has a mouthful of it as if it might brace her against this entire conversation. At least it's easy enough to pretend she can't see what kind of state he's got himself worked up into, if only for the sake of his bruised pride.]
I'm hardly one to come to for relationship advice. [Given that she's in her first real relationship right now, and she's really just feeling her way through it all.] But I know that when two people who care about each other are hurt, somebody has to make the first move.
[Her smile then, though gentle, is just a little bit wry.]
And I think that on this occasion it might just have to be you.
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Why not? 'Cause ain'tcha datin' a god? An'—... well, I ain't that smart, so I ain't real good at... words.
[ and he's not blaming ryouma for the things he said, but it's difficult not to think of him saying them anyway. ]
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[Ehem. She does flush a little red as she says that and hides slightly behind her cup, taking another sip of the contents.]
No one is asking you to write a sonnet. [Imagining Izō reciting poetry... now there's an interesting mental image. She smiles to herself and looks down as she shakes her head.]
You just need to say what's in your heart. Why don't you tell me first. Think of it as practice. Think about Ryouma... and tell me what you're feeling.
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[ he has a lot of reasons to be unsure of what he's feeling. until very recently, people have questioned everything he's ever thought or felt or said. he doesn't have much confidence that anything in his own head is really valid, which is why he talks himself out of things constantly. ]
How'm I s'posed t' know how to do this? Ain't even good at bein' friends.
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[Not that Jane is a difficult person to be friends with, but even she has her limits. If Izō had struck her as someone not worth her attention or effort she would not have continued to try and be his friend.]
Come on, Izō, won't you at least try?
[She reaches out for one of his knees and rubs it gently, giving him a reassuring smile.]
Just try.